I Have a Confession...

I am selfish.  I care more about myself, my comforts, my work, my studies, my joy, my happiness, and the way I am treated or seen by others.  I should care more about the souls of others than ANYTHING about myself. 

God has been showing me this often since being in Korea, and I am struggling through it each and everyday.  That whole "dying to self" thing is HARD stuff!  It's only hard because I'm focused on myself rather than the Cross.  It's only hard because I love myself more than I love any other being.  This is disgusting, not only to God, but to me as well.  It should be disgusting to everyone else, but I have very graceful friends and family.

"Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!" Psalm 119:36

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence." Matthew 23:25

"but for those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, there will be wrath and fury." Romans 2:8

"We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin." Romans 6:6

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16

"But that is not the way you learned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:20-24

"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works." Titus 2:11-14

"Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." James 3:13-18

I went to Seoul Tower on Saturday night.  Seoul Tower is in the center of Seoul, on top of a mountain, and stands maybe 250 to 350 ft above the mountain.  At the top of the tower, there is a room that gives a 360 degree view of everything surrounding the tower.  You can see for miles and miles.  Every pane of glass has different cities written on them (in the direction the cities are located), and the distance they are from Seoul.  At night, all the signs and visual pollution light up the night sky.  You can see lights as far as the eye can see... except towards North Korea.  It is pitch black.  When I saw this, my heart broke.  I wept for these people.  There is no light there; no TRUTH.  Only death, darkness, and despair.  How can I be so concerned that I have to take a taxi to work because a bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus?  HOW?!?!  How can I care when there are people dying, and being tortured or starved by the only leader they know?  They don't know LOVE.  God is LOVE, and they have no hope for a relationship with Him unless we do something.  There has to be something we can do, as Christians, to reach these souls for Christ.  It has to be one of the spiritually darkest places on this planet.  We need to do something.  Right now, until their leader dies, there is not much physically Americans can do.  We CAN pray.  We SHOULD pray.  We NEED to be praying.  We need to stop complaining about trivial things, and get busy being concerned about the souls of this world.  I am committing to pray for the darkened nations of this world, for the dark souls in this world.  I pray they will know the Light, the peace, the grace, the LOVE that I know.  The ONLY true LOVE there is.  Jesus Christ.  There is no greater LOVE than the LOVE of Christ.

Glimpses

This past week has been extremely trying, more emotionally than anything.  Every decision, action, and lack of taking action I have made (or not made) this week has been questioned by my boss and one other coworker.  One of my classes went long by 2 minutes... "Horrible job, Mandolyn.  You've got to do better at keeping the time."  It didn't matter that the students were finally "getting it" and learning something, or that we have a 10 minute break between classes so the extra 2 minutes didn't harm anyone's schedule.  Also, a student called another student 'crazy' (in Korean nonetheless.  BTW, 'Crazy' is a bad word here...) while sitting in my classroom in between classes.  During the 10 minute break between classes, I go into the teachers room, make my copies and such, so I'm not in the classroom much between classes.  Well, the next thing I heard was "Mandolyn!  You cannot let students call another student 'crazy'!  That might be ok in America, but not in Korea.  That is your classroom and you need to be in control of it [even when I'm not in the classroom...]!"  Then, 2 boys (twin brothers) take a 'break' for a month from the Hagwon (my work) due to "Swine Flu".  It's not that they have Swine Flu, it's that there mother doesn't want them to get it.  Sounds overly cautious and ridiculous to me, but whatever.  This is Korea, and they are freaking out over it (and Korean mothers are a bit on the ridiculous side most of the time), so I don't really question it.  Well, this coworker of mine (who does not teach these 2 boys) comes up to me and says, "You know that you made Alex and Chase quit the hagwon, don't you?  Mandolyn, you don't get it.  These kids don't like you.  Their mothers don't like you.  Change this, or I will."  Sidebar: this coworker also thinks she runs the hagwon and thinks she is my boss, when in reality, she is my equal.  Ok, back to the story... Needless to say, all of these things made me feel like... well... less than adequate, to put it mildly.  Many many many more things like this happened as well.  I questioned why I was here (not IF I were suppose to be here), and was really discouraged... it was only Wednesday.

Then, I had a really good discussion with Jay on Wednesday night.  It had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on, but rather, a theological discussion.  A deeper discussion.  A kind of discussion that I haven't been able to have in a long time.  A kind of discussion I had multiple times a week, if not a day, back in Greenville.  Then, me being the girl that I am, I started missing my family, friends, church, and community... a lot.  To top it off, one of my nieces turned 4 this week, my sister-in-law had a birthday as well, and Robert from Shepherding Group has a birthday this week too (can you tell I am a 'birthday person'?).  This is the first nieces' birthday I have missed... ever.  Out of all my nieces, I have never missed a birthday.  This was so hard.  My nieces are my world, and I am very close with all of them.

So, now it's Thursday... after reading 1 Corinthians 6 ("Do you not know that... you are not your own?"), some of my morning prayer went something like this, "Daddy, I don't care what struggles you have to use in my life, as long as someone comes to a saving knowledge, understanding, and relationship with you.  It's been tough this week, and it is all worth it I'm sure, but could you please give me just a glimmer of understanding as to why I am here in Korea?  Even a tiny glimpse?  Because right now, I have no idea.  I KNOW you have called me here, and led me here for a reason.  Do anything you want with my life, but please show me a snippet.  Thanks, Daddy."

Well, I get to school, and everything was going well.  One of my classes was working on a project and one of the girls finished hers before everyone else.  I was sitting at my desk changing the music on my computer (we listen to classical), and Luna (the girl) comes up to my desk.  She looks quizzically at me and asks, "Teacher Mandolyn, can I ask you a question?" I respond, "Yes, Luna. Of course. What is your question?"  Then, she says, "You're happy.  Always happy.  Not mad or sad.  Only happy.  Why?"  God gave me my glimpse.  Luna and I got to talk about Jesus for about 10 or 15 minutes while everyone else finished their projects. The whole class overheard what we were talking about too.  After being in a dark room all week, I finally saw a glimpse of light shine through, so that I could see just a fragment of the story that is unfolding.  His story.  It was a glorious moment, because HE is glorious.

Some other negative things happened this evening, but they didn't matter.  God is getting the glory, and that is all that matters.

Yes, I've had an emotional week.  Yes, it's been hard.  Yes, I've questioned.  But none of it has been in vain, for God is so good and so faithful all the time.  His will, plan and purpose for my life now, and the future, are unfolding a little bit more with every moment of every day.  When it's tough, and when it is joyous, it is still worth it... because I wouldn't want to be anywhere else other than in his loving and comforting arms.  I will go where he sends me, even if that means a lack of community and missing birthdays.  Christ is enough, always.

Thank you for the prayers.  Love you all.

Karis and Irini,

Mandolyn

If you know me...

then you know what I did when I found this about 6 inches from my head while hiking in the mountains...

No joke, this thing was bigger than the palm of my hand!  Euhhhhhggghhh!