Glimpses

This past week has been extremely trying, more emotionally than anything.  Every decision, action, and lack of taking action I have made (or not made) this week has been questioned by my boss and one other coworker.  One of my classes went long by 2 minutes... "Horrible job, Mandolyn.  You've got to do better at keeping the time."  It didn't matter that the students were finally "getting it" and learning something, or that we have a 10 minute break between classes so the extra 2 minutes didn't harm anyone's schedule.  Also, a student called another student 'crazy' (in Korean nonetheless.  BTW, 'Crazy' is a bad word here...) while sitting in my classroom in between classes.  During the 10 minute break between classes, I go into the teachers room, make my copies and such, so I'm not in the classroom much between classes.  Well, the next thing I heard was "Mandolyn!  You cannot let students call another student 'crazy'!  That might be ok in America, but not in Korea.  That is your classroom and you need to be in control of it [even when I'm not in the classroom...]!"  Then, 2 boys (twin brothers) take a 'break' for a month from the Hagwon (my work) due to "Swine Flu".  It's not that they have Swine Flu, it's that there mother doesn't want them to get it.  Sounds overly cautious and ridiculous to me, but whatever.  This is Korea, and they are freaking out over it (and Korean mothers are a bit on the ridiculous side most of the time), so I don't really question it.  Well, this coworker of mine (who does not teach these 2 boys) comes up to me and says, "You know that you made Alex and Chase quit the hagwon, don't you?  Mandolyn, you don't get it.  These kids don't like you.  Their mothers don't like you.  Change this, or I will."  Sidebar: this coworker also thinks she runs the hagwon and thinks she is my boss, when in reality, she is my equal.  Ok, back to the story... Needless to say, all of these things made me feel like... well... less than adequate, to put it mildly.  Many many many more things like this happened as well.  I questioned why I was here (not IF I were suppose to be here), and was really discouraged... it was only Wednesday.

Then, I had a really good discussion with Jay on Wednesday night.  It had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on, but rather, a theological discussion.  A deeper discussion.  A kind of discussion that I haven't been able to have in a long time.  A kind of discussion I had multiple times a week, if not a day, back in Greenville.  Then, me being the girl that I am, I started missing my family, friends, church, and community... a lot.  To top it off, one of my nieces turned 4 this week, my sister-in-law had a birthday as well, and Robert from Shepherding Group has a birthday this week too (can you tell I am a 'birthday person'?).  This is the first nieces' birthday I have missed... ever.  Out of all my nieces, I have never missed a birthday.  This was so hard.  My nieces are my world, and I am very close with all of them.

So, now it's Thursday... after reading 1 Corinthians 6 ("Do you not know that... you are not your own?"), some of my morning prayer went something like this, "Daddy, I don't care what struggles you have to use in my life, as long as someone comes to a saving knowledge, understanding, and relationship with you.  It's been tough this week, and it is all worth it I'm sure, but could you please give me just a glimmer of understanding as to why I am here in Korea?  Even a tiny glimpse?  Because right now, I have no idea.  I KNOW you have called me here, and led me here for a reason.  Do anything you want with my life, but please show me a snippet.  Thanks, Daddy."

Well, I get to school, and everything was going well.  One of my classes was working on a project and one of the girls finished hers before everyone else.  I was sitting at my desk changing the music on my computer (we listen to classical), and Luna (the girl) comes up to my desk.  She looks quizzically at me and asks, "Teacher Mandolyn, can I ask you a question?" I respond, "Yes, Luna. Of course. What is your question?"  Then, she says, "You're happy.  Always happy.  Not mad or sad.  Only happy.  Why?"  God gave me my glimpse.  Luna and I got to talk about Jesus for about 10 or 15 minutes while everyone else finished their projects. The whole class overheard what we were talking about too.  After being in a dark room all week, I finally saw a glimpse of light shine through, so that I could see just a fragment of the story that is unfolding.  His story.  It was a glorious moment, because HE is glorious.

Some other negative things happened this evening, but they didn't matter.  God is getting the glory, and that is all that matters.

Yes, I've had an emotional week.  Yes, it's been hard.  Yes, I've questioned.  But none of it has been in vain, for God is so good and so faithful all the time.  His will, plan and purpose for my life now, and the future, are unfolding a little bit more with every moment of every day.  When it's tough, and when it is joyous, it is still worth it... because I wouldn't want to be anywhere else other than in his loving and comforting arms.  I will go where he sends me, even if that means a lack of community and missing birthdays.  Christ is enough, always.

Thank you for the prayers.  Love you all.

Karis and Irini,

Mandolyn